Week 1
Daily and Weekly Rituals of Self-Care and Connection
My approach to couple’s therapy requires a high level of commitment to change for yourself and your relationship which will be difficult to maintain. The Gottmans suggest couples invest 6.5 hours weekly in new rituals of connection. In my practice, I suggest 5 hours with 1-hour dedicated to self-care.
Self-Care
What are you doing daily to get grounded in the morning? The #1 issue facing couples in my practice is flooding in conflict. The best way to reduce flooding is to reduce your overall physiological arousal. Yoga, running, Tai Chi and mindful breathing practices will support your overall health and well-being.
Below is a 10-minute guided mindful breathing exercise I invite you to try daily for our first 60-days of treatment.
What are your current ways of emotionally connecting regularly? Consistency is the foundation of trust and commitment (+ secure attachment).
Leave-taking & reunions: don’t leave without knowing at least one thing your partner is up to that day. Share affectionate greetings when you come back together, a loving kiss that lasts several seconds.
Mealtimes: come together at meals to share about your day with a chance for everyone to talk. Meals can be a time for peace, affection, support, and attention.
Eating out/special outings: celebrating special occasions with a special meal at a favorite restaurant or traditional outings.
After-meal coffee or tea: after cleaning up dinner and before settling in for the night, spending an hour of quality time together is a great ritual.
Stress Reducing Conversation: each partner gets a turn to talk about the most stressful part of their day (not about the relationship) and receive support.
Bedtime: going to bed is a great time for closeness, cuddling, and physical and/or sexual affection. It’s a good time to wind down, release tension, and fall asleep more at ease.
Mornings: mornings can be tough for families but can be times of connection when everyone is sent off with good wishes.
Dates: couples who maintain a level of passion and romance in their friendship weekly do better. Focus on spending time away from responsibilities (getting a babysitter if you have kids) and do something fun you both enjoy. Share sexual and physical intimacy on dates and in between.
When one person is sick: one someone gets sick in your home, how we take care of one another consistently is important to establish.